Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Masturbation Really Fucks Up Your Eyesight

Well, I actually wouldn't know, but if that turns out to be true, Jesus Christ, you need to get laid. I am now the reluctant bearer of the oddly paired 50-225 spectacles, and I now genuinely know what a goldfish feels like looking out from inside its bowl. My depth perception is completely thrown off, and there were numerous occasions where I almost walked right into a street light. When I asked the optometrist about this, she had this to say "That's because your eyes have been lying to you all this while" WTF. Lemme get this right, God created humans with eyes that have false depth perceptions, and the reason why we're all not walking right into walls and tearing down traffic lights when driving is because we've simply adapted? Gimme a break. She then floored me with the best advise ever "Only take them off if your vision gets blurry again" Cue rope. Again, are you kidding me, lady? Why should my vision screw up when I'm wearing the specs? My 400 bucks for this supposedly ultra high-tech lens are just so you can continue your subscription to Deranged Monthly? I just about had enough, and proceeded to drive with my new optical enhancements. The entire experience was trippy, as everything looks further away, yet strangely, sharper as well. While I cope with my new field of vision, I renew my faith that noone will point fingers at me and choke on their own saliva from laughing at me. I know, this is an aweful big fuss for something as simple as getting spectacles, but at least I can now see what I'm typing, and I no can no longer belie my horrific grammer with the excuse that my life is a random series of unfortunate typos. But seriously, if you're thinking of wanking off later on today, think of what you're doing to your eyes. Looking like Clark Kent is NEVER cool, even in an alternate universe.
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